You are Free

Verse: Isaiah 41:10 Song: How You Love Me by Patrick Mayberry

Written by Jessi Drost

“You are free.”

That’s what you told me. That’s what you wrote on my arm. (Read the post here)

Free from shame. Free from my past. Free from my persecutors and their judgments and slanderous words. Free from my sin. Free from this world that is so lost and dark. Free from perfection. Free from the endless striving. 

Free. I am free.

Free to heal. Free to become who you made me to be Lord. Free to wrestle with the big emotions and hurts. Free to bring all of my fears and doubts to you. Free to feel; to cry and grieve for those things that have broken me. Free to let your healing touch wash over me. 

So why Lord, is freedom so hard? 

Why, when I know healing is just around the corner, am I stuck; paralyzed in this place of fear. It all sounds so simple; “let the Lord in, and let him heal your brokenness.” That’s what they say, that’s what they all say! But don’t they know how scary that is? Don’t they know how painful it is to relive moments that almost broke you? The pain was so great, the betrayal so deep, all I could do was bury it and run. Over and over and over again, bury it and run. And now God, you want me to go back, and feel it all again? Each and every slice of the knife, you want to open it all back up. 

Sometimes Lord, I hate that this is my story. That my life is riddled with pain and brokenness and betrayal. That time and time again, the sin of others wounded me so deep. That I bear the scars, and I have to walk this road of sickness and healing, when they appear to get off free. 

That I live under the false accusations and slanderous words, all because the truth has not yet been revealed. Will it ever? Or is this just a part of my story? Learning to let people be wrong, knowing that one day you will indeed seek justice on my behalf. 

I’ve hid behind the smile… The achievements… The fully packed schedule… The perfectionism…

It was all just hiding the truth. The brokenness. The shame. And for a while, it worked.

But now, the smile doesn’t come so easily. 

The life has slowly been sucked out of me. Where there once was light, there is now darkness and death. Because you see, it was never your light. It was light I tried to create myself. 

This is not who you made me to be God. This is not a life worth living. I only have one choice left, I’m throwing my white flag. No amount of striving or white knuckling it, or pretending that it’s all okay is working. I’ve accepted that it never will. We can’t bury our pain and walk away as if it never happened, no, we need to walk through it with you. It’s the only way to truly be free. 

I hear you, I’ve heard you for the past 4 years. Gently asking me to surrender it all to you; to heal. Asking me to step out from the wall of fear and shame I live behind, and let you see me. Let the world see me, brokenness and all. To let you use my life as a testimony for what you can do. But I’m scared Lord. I’m scared to let the very people that have harmed me, have permission to see the truth. I’m scared to let them in God! Hiding behind a smile is easier. Being known for my achievements, not my scars, is safer. More appealing. But you’ve already stripped that all away. You’ve painfully stripped everything away, so that all that is left is the naked truth. 

I am broken. So so unbelievably broken. And no doctor, no supplement, no self help book, no amount of avoiding it and pretending it’s all fine can heal me. 

Only you can. 

For each argument against walking this road, you have heard, and you have responded. 

When the pain feels too deep to relive, you remind me that “the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering.” Isaiah 49:13

When the shame starts to consume me, you remind me that “those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5 For “there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

When everything in me wants to run, too angry that such hurt and brokenness can exist, you gently remind me that disobedience leads me away from you. That it’s not enough to “just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself.” James 1:22

When the exhaustion takes over, because the emotional energy it takes to heal feels like too much, you say to me “do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

When the fear of judgment begins to cripple me, and the slanderous words casted over me begin to play in my mind, you remind me that “I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10 “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25. 

You will keep me safe from them Lord, you will protect me! 

When freedom seems impossible, you take me to Psalm 118:5. “In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free.” 

Freedom is found in you and you alone. When healing feels too heavy, I only need to look to you and your word. 

Stop striving, stop hiding, stop running, and turn to him. He is waiting with arms wide open, and will grant you the peace and healing your soul desires. 

Thank you Jesus!

Cleanse my heart Lord, heal what is broken, and set me free. Set me free from the hurt and the pain that has left me battered and bruised. Show me your truth Father. Let me live in who you say I am, not in who the world says I am. Heal every heart Lord, soften those who are hard hearted, and show them the only way to true freedom, is through you. Use me, my heart, and my words to touch those in need. Even in my brokenness, I am your vessel.

Amen