Wrestling with God

Verse: Hebrews 13:5 Song: Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Written by: Jessi Drost

Spring 2024

Father, I miss you.

I miss that closeness with you, the kind that overflows my heart with your peace and joy. 

I’ve been angry with you God, and I don’t even think I realized I was until now. 

Angry that we gave you our lives, and to me, you didn’t prove trustworthy. Angry that you would allow such pain to happen to me in my past. Angry that you say you love me, but let people treat me so poorly without any sign of justice. Angry that you have led us on this rat race of confusion. 

You are the one who opened up these wounds in my heart! You are the one who told me to open those boxes up so that you could heal me, and I listened. I trusted you, and all I see is a Father who failed me. 

The words left me. The fire put right out. The hurt was too deep, too much. 

Was my faith that weak? That feeble?

Was it even built on you at all? 

I see you sitting there, waiting for me to come to you. I know what your word says, I’ve read it. I’ve even used it to encourage others! I know what I am supposed to think and feel, but truthfully, I’m scared. 

I’m scared to just end up hurt again. I’m scared to trust you again God. 

I went from on fire for the Lord, ready to share all that you have done in us and through us, to defeated and dejected. 

Why did you let these things happen? 

Why, when you are all powerful and able to do anything, didn’t you stop it. 

Why did you let those people hurt me in such deep ways? Why do you let it happen to so many women and children? 

If you say you care for the weak and oppressed, where were you? 

If you are truly omnipresent, you saw! You saw, and you did nothing. 

How can I trust you again? 

Why do you let people get away with such injustice and manipulation? 

Why do you let them be so cruel, let them lie, tarnish my name, and get away with it?

Why do I have to wear the marks of shame, when I was not the one at fault?

I’ve grown weary watching people who claim to have you in their hearts be so unkind, and cause so much hurt. 

Why don’t you reveal the truth? You could put an end to it all today, but you haven’t!

Why don’t you?

Am I not worthy enough? Not worthy of your love and your justice? 

Do I need to do more? Need to fight harder, or be more still? 

You say your love is not earned, it’s through faith not works.

So what is it God? What is the secret that I am missing? 

The thing is though, I already know. 

You’ve already told me. 

Through your word, through your loving people, and through your spirit, you’ve given me the answers to the extent to which I need to know them. 

Now it’s just up to me, up to me to choose. 

Will I choose you God, or will I turn away. 

Will I let your truths wash over me and bring me peace and comfort? Or will I grow dark and bitter, like so much of this world.

Will I walk through the trials of life with my eyes fixed on you, growing in my faith, or will I just simply walk away from it all. 

The choice is mine, you’re still there, waiting for me to come to you. 

All it takes is my walk to surrender. My walk back to you. 

But Father, how can I look you in the eyes when the very suffering that you’ve carried me through, I subconsciously blamed you for?  

Why am I doubting you when you’ve proven so faithful! 

How can I claim to love you and know you when all along I’ve carried this distrust for you that I didn’t even know existed. 

How can I admit to the many who have heard me sing your praises, that I too am struggling to trust you. To forgive you. To lean on you. 

Why is asking for your forgiveness so scary, when I already know it leads to you. 

What freedom do you have for me just around the corner of surrender? 

There is only one way to find out, one path worth walking. 

The path that leads to you.

More to come...