When the Guilt Doesn’t Come…

Verse: Isaiah 26:3 Song: Praise You Anywhere by Brandon Lake

Written by Jessi Drost

I was on my hands and knees, cleaning behind the toilet when the thought hit me…

“Thank you lord that my identity is no longer in what I do… because I would feel like a total failure right now if it was!”

You see, we’ve had one of those months that has felt like a year… multiple birthday celebrations for two of our kiddos, a holiday, a schedule filled to the brim, a miscarriage, a respiratory illness that took us all out, and just to top it all off, food poisoning too….

October feels so long ago. 

We basically survived for weeks doing the bare minimum to get by, and today it hit me… 

I don’t feel guilty. 

I don’t feel guilty that for two weeks I was fully dependent on people showing up for us… providing meals, washing our dishes, folding our laundry, helping with our kids.

I don’t feel guilty that our daily rhythms and routines were forgotten, and that I spent more time snuggling kids on the couch this month, than I did teaching them how to read. 

I don’t feel guilty that the house took a hit, the laundry got backed up, or that all of our meals haven’t been made from scratch. 

I don’t feel guilty that I actually allowed my body to rest. I allowed my heart to grieve, and my body to heal. I allowed my safe people into my pain, and let them help clean up the mess, simply because they wanted to. 

I don’t feel guilty that Wyatt and I both agree a busy schedule is suffocating to our family, and from here on out we are re-establishing boundaries that help our family to succeed and function well, even when that means having to say “no” and possibly disappointing people.

I don’t feel guilty that I chose to enjoy my kids’ birthdays this year and keep it simple, instead of living to please everyone else. God knew I would need simple and slow this month, long before I ever did!

I don’t feel guilty that I can’t do it all, especially in seasons of pain and illness. I have limitations, and I’m no longer afraid to admit that. 

I didn’t do it all to the standard of perfection I’ve falsely held myself to in the past, and surprisingly, I don’t feel guilty. 

I actually feel the opposite… where usually there would be angst and shame for all that I let go, and all that I need to catch up on, I feel at peace.

"You keep him in in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

A realization that literally knocked me off my feet. I keep waiting for the guilt to come, and instead the Lord has replaced it with gratitude… a feeling that truthfully doesn’t feel right for the month that we’ve had.

& When Instead Comes the Gratitude…

But as I get into bed and glance at the clock, noting it was at this exact time almost a month ago that the labor started far too soon, I remember the friend who was convicted to get up and pray for me at the very same moment. The Lord had already given her the words to pray over me before I even knew I’d need them. A time that will always bring sorrow, will also bring the reminder that the Lord sees our pain, and is close to the broken hearted. (Psalms 34:18)

As I relive the moment of the doctor explaining to us why this particular loss often happens, I can’t help but feel grateful that our sweet baby never had to know pain here on earth. That he got to go right into the arms of Jesus! As the physical reminder of our loss went on for days, of course the tears would come, but so did the gratitude that my body was strong; that it knew what to do even when I didn’t. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

As I think about the blur of those weeks, I can feel the hollow pain like it was yesterday, but with it I see God’s love. The gentle care of a loving husband, the friends and family who dropped everything to give us a helping hand. The meals, the cards, the texts, the prayers… God uses his people to be a blessing, and oh how blessed we feel by the love of others. (Matthew 5:16)

And now as I scrub the toilet till it sparkles, I go back to 2 in the morning last weekend, where in the midst of illness and food poisoning, I kept finding myself thanking the Lord that we are strong enough to fight off sickness. That he made our bodies to know what can harm us, and they instinctively knew to expel what is toxic. Health is something we often take for granted, and it was curled up on our cold bathroom floor that the gratitude felt overwhelming. Thank you Lord for trials that make us grow closer to you! (James 2:1-4)

Don’t Miss the Beauty in the Midst of the Brokenness.

What a mindset shift this month has been, to truly feel gratitude in the midst of great sorrow and pain. It was exactly a year ago that the Lord taught us another lesson on gratitude, you can read that post here. Fitting I suppose for this time of year…

And I know, for some of you, this type of pain is just the tip of the iceberg. You’ve known pain like we will never understand, and vice versa. We would never dare diminish someone else’s struggle, but I do know that if I were still living in my old ways, living to do it all in my own strength, to fake it till you make it, to pretend I had it all together, putting my identity in my work ethic and accomplishments, I would have missed all of this beauty in the midst of the brokenness. 

I would have been too focused on myself, to see God! 

You see, I had to truly live present in all that was broken, in order for God to mend the pieces into what is beautiful. 

I had to stop believing I had to do it all myself, in my own strength, in order to be enough.

I actually had to let God’s people into my vulnerable broken places, and admit I couldn’t do it all. I have learned that when we make our life about our own performance, and our own strength, we will never measure up. We are making ourselves our own idol! But when we make our life about our surrender to God and his will, leaning on his strength instead of our own, we are enough. 

I had to stop putting my identity in my clean home and my never ending need to feel productive.

My worth is not tied up in my ability to “do it all”, and it is not my job to prove to everyone around me that being a stay at home mom is worthy work. My only job is to obey Christ, and work hard (within my limitations) at what my husband and I have decided is best for our family. My only focus is to live as if I were working for the Lord, because I am (Colossians 3:23-24), and his opinion of me is all that matters. (Galatians 1:10)

I had to stop thinking my systems and routines would be my savior. In some seasons they have been wonderful, and in others, they have become my idol, leaving me anxious and empty when they ultimately fail me. 

We are saved through faith alone, and as the Holy Spirit moves in me and grows me, I have no need for the idols I clung to for so long. They are useless next to the power of God. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

What might be helpful in some seasons, can be set down without guilt in others as you walk in obedience to Christ. When we cling to him and his plans over our own, I find God makes it perfectly clear when we need to set something down, and when we need to pick something up, all we need to do is listen and obey. (Proverbs 16:9)

Thank you Lord, for a new mindset set on you!

If I was still living in my old mindset, thinking that my identity was all in what I accomplished in a day, I would have missed out on all of the good from this past month; a month that on the outside was filled with hardship. And I am so grateful that the Lord has grown me to this place where in the midst of great sorrow, I can also be grateful for all the beauty that he brings from our brokenness. Because I know that “He makes all things good for those who trust in him.” Romans 8:28

Be encouraged friends, He is ready to turn your brokenness into beauty too, all it takes is your surrender.