Audience of One

Verse: Galatians 1:10, Philippians 1:6 Song: Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams

Written by Jessi Drost

Last Sunday, I sat in reflection before taking communion at our church. I prayed Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” As I wrote down the areas of my life still in need of surrender, it hit me how far we have come. How much growth has happened in our hearts over the course of the last year. Sure, there are parts of our journey I’d wish to never relive, but I can now look at those trials with a small ounce of gratitude, knowing it got us to where we are today.

We are finally both living in alignment with God; we have a sole focus of being apprentices to Jesus. All our lives for Him. We prayed so many times to be where we are today; not in terms of circumstances, but in regards to our heart posture. By no means is our life glamorous. Honestly, most would probably look at our current life circumstances and run the other way, but not us. We are grateful. We are content. We are provided for. We are excited.

We are living for Jesus, and truly that’s all we care about anymore.

God will make our paths straight, but we have to let Him lead us before He can direct our steps. Once the doors began to open, and we knew which path we were to take as a family, God truly began to move in our hearts; growing us and refining us.

For me, it’s been learning to let go of what other people think of me and say about me. Judgement is hard for me to take, not from a place of pride (trust me, I’ve spent years ripping myself apart, I don’t need anyone else to remind me of how flawed I am), but from a place of fear. A fear that if people get to know me, they won’t like me. They’ll see me for my mistakes and my imperfections, instead of choosing to see my heart. This fear stems from life experiences, so naturally God would use life experiences yet again to grow me in this area.

God knew, I knew, and just about anyone whose been on this journey with us the past year or so could tell you that this was an area of my life that was holding me back from the things God was asking me to step in to. I had made man my god. I needed to learn to walk confidently in who God made me to be if he was ever going to be able to use me for his kingdom. And that Sunday morning, it hit me. I don’t care what they say about me anymore. I don’t live to please man, because I live fully to please God. I sat there shaking, as I realized this part of my heart, this part that has been so broken and battered for years, is now healed. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I know what’s being said isn’t true, I don’t have to let it enter my heart.

I am free from the binds of judgement! Thank you Jesus!

"Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant." Galatians 1:10

Wyatt walked this road shortly before I did, learning to let go of what other people think of him. Learning to be obedient to God’s call, even if people around us didn’t like it or understand. Realizing and accepting that we would be scrutinized and judged for our choices didn’t scare him like it did me. He has been the one to carry us through these trials; he was the strong one we needed until I was able to stand strongly next to him. What a blessing he is for our family!

Of course though, God had other work to do in Wyatt’s heart over the course of this season. Wyatt has been learning the lesson of full surrender. That wisdom loving, logical thinking, gift of a man was trying to forge his own path, instead of surrendering to God’s will. It took him handing over the reigns to our life, (and all his well thought out plans), for him to begin to truly heal, and learn that God’s plans are always better than our own. (Read Wyatt’s story of surrender here).

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

As I reflected over all of this, my heart swelled with joy! We are right at the cusp of walking down a new road, and we have no idea what God is going to do with it. After a year of the Lord nudging me to start a blog and share our stories, I finally did it! The fear of judgement and scrutiny has kept me in bondage most of my life. But today I’m walking in freedom and obedience, praying that these words will be God’s, not our own. I know judgment will come (it already has), but I also know and truly embrace that my identity comes from Jesus, not from man. My broken heart had to heal though, before I could ever be ready. God had to do work in me, before he could do work through me. And I’m so glad he did.

We may not have total certainty of where this road we’re on leads, but we do know who our driver is. And that is all we need to know in order to stay the course with peace, perseverance, and joy. We came here so excited to do work for God, but failed to see God had to do work in us first. Work that will last a lifetime. (Philippians 1:6)

I pray that our hearts would always be like dough in your hands, God. That we would look at our trials with excitement and not fear, knowing you will use them for good. I pray that our life would be a testimony to you and your faithfulness Lord, and that we would continue to humble ourselves before you Father, so that you can exalt us in your good and right timing.

Amen