Wandering in the Wilderness

Verse: Romans 8:28 Song: Weary Traveler by Jordan Cyr

Written by: Jessi Drost

I’ve grown bitter. Confused. Frustrated. 

Where are you God? 

What are you doing with our lives? 

Why can’t our journey be normal? Stable? Secure? 

Questions that have been heavy on my heart for months…

Why is it that every time you open a door, and we run through it with anticipation, you seem to close it, and lead us away? 

Where are you taking us? I am sick of looking like fools, following your lead that honestly makes no sense…. I can feel the confusion slowly turning to bitterness inside of me. And I don’t want it. I want to sing your praises Father! 

But Lord, our life feels like constant whiplash… Every time we think we know what you’re doing and which way you want us to go, the path before us seems to change… a new home. A new job. A new community.

Will we ever get to settle down? Will the comfort of stability and security ever be known to our family? Or will we forever live like the Israelites, wandering through the wilderness?

I used to speak with such confidence about you Lord! Telling everyone what you were doing in our lives, and how exciting it was! 

I thought I had you all figured out, but lately my tongue seems tied. 

I lost my confidence. 

I have absolutely no idea what you’re doing God… none. 

But maybe that’s the point.

Maybe letting go of the need to know what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, is my ultimate surrender. 

Maybe instead of waiting for security and comfort, I need to focus on the small blessings you have not failed to provide. 

Maybe instead of needing to know what’s next for us, I just need to be here, letting you grow us and mature us. Delighting in all that is good right now, even if we have no guarantee of what tomorrow might hold. 

Maybe instead of letting my confidence in what you’re doing give way to confusion and bitterness, I just need to glorify you where I am today. Moment by moment, letting you lead us, trusting that your ways are not our ways, and your thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). 

As I read through Deuteronomy chapter 1 this morning, I realized how much I still have in common with the Israelites. Wandering through the wilderness for 40 years, they were finally brought to the promised land, and instead of running in, arms lifted high in thanks to God, they rebelled… again. 

They doubted the very God who took them out of slavery, led them through the wilderness, provided for them and loved them. Instead of trusting God, after all that he had done for them, they refused to trust the Lord, and instead let their fears control them. 

Is that what we are doing? 

Letting the fear and confusion keep us from fully trusting in you Lord? Believing that you have abandoned us, when in reality this is just a part of our story. 

Are we missing the whole point of this season that has seemed so barren? 

Was our faith ever really in you? Or in what we thought you were going to do… 

On this spirit led journey, did we truly surrender the timeline and plans to you? 

No, I don’t think we did… 

We assumed since we were doing something that truthfully was not our fleshly desire, you would bless us. You would make this ride smooth, and everything would quickly fall into place… oh how naive we have been. 

And now, now that things are once again falling apart, we assume we were wrong. 

Was it all a mistake? 

One that we truthfully aren’t looking back at with much fondness anymore. 

One that has grown us and matured us of course, but also one that has wounded us so deep we question if given the chance we’d do it all over again… 

We are weary Lord, weary of looking like fools for you. But there is still a sliver of hope deep within my heart… A part of me that has to believe it will all be worth it. 

That your hand is still on us, that you have heard every prayer, every cry, every plea. That this is just a part of your plan.

That you are looking at our discouragement and confusion with anticipation, knowing that what we can see before us right now is not the end of our story. 

That all the well meaning people in our lives telling us to give up, to move on, to look elsewhere will be mind blown by what you do. That all those convictions you placed on our hearts will come to fruition in your timing and in your strength. Because Lord, I don’t think we have much left in us… 

But what I do still have Father, is hope.

Even if it makes no sense to worldly eyes, I still have hope in you. 

Hope that you have not abandoned us or forsaken us. 

Hope that what we view as failure, is simply your plan to get us to where you want us next. 

Hope that you’ve got us Lord. Through every trial, every struggle, every single thing that breaks us and beats us down, you’ve got us and you will use it all for your glory. 

Hope that you will indeed work all things out for good for those who trust in you. 

Hope.

Today Lord, I’m holding on to your hope and your faithfulness, even on the days that my faith is as small as a mustard seed. 

May it carry each of us through another day. 

Father, may every thread of bitterness trying to take root in our hearts be replaced with hope. When we feel weak, may we remember Lord that you are strong! When we are confused by what we see in front of us, may we remember that you are in control of each and every thing that happens. May we trust you Lord, even when things don’t go the way we think they should, may we trust your plans over our own. And Father, when the fear creeps in, may we remember that you are always with us, and you will work all things out according to your purposes. Amen