Who Are You Really?

Verse: Proverbs 10:9 Song: Bible Verses by Blake Shelton

Written by: Wyatt Drost

On any given Sunday afternoon, you’ll most likely find me sitting on the couch enjoying a cup of coffee with Jessi, reviewing our upcoming week,and going through our list of marriage and home related questions to ensure we are on the same page and mission. It usually leads to an array of conversations, but on this particular day, we had a conversation that will always stand out to me. The intensity of the conviction that I felt, as well as the initial moment of disappointment that fell over me is one I will never forget. 

I forget what exactly we were talking about at the time, but the line Jessi shared that hit me like a punch to the gut went something like this: “The person that you truly are is not the person that everyone else sees when you’re out in public, rather it’s the person that you are at home. The person that typically only your spouse and children see.”

Those words kept ringing repeatedly in my head for weeks, and I really had to wrestle with them. Because if I was honest with myself, up until that point, the person that I was away from my home didn’t match the man that I was in my home. 

The real problem was that the man I believed I was was the wrong man. I falsely believed that the person everyone else saw while I was at work, at church, with friends, or just out in public was actually the real version of me, but Jessi was right, that isn’t true. 

Your real character is who you are behind closed doors. 

So who are you? 

The painful reality was that who I was at home was a man too exhausted to be present with my family. I was there physically, going through the motions to check off my “good husband good father” list, but my mind and my heart weren’t in it. As a result, I was short with Jessi, annoyed by my children, easily frustrated and distracted, and I didn’t truly engage with my family that had missed me all day long. Sadly men, this behavior is often justified in our culture. We work hard all day long to provide for our family, of course we are tired, of course we are short tempered and selfish. We deserve our peace after all! 

But is this a man we are proud to be? Is this a man we’d want our sons to grow up to be or for our daughters to marry? 

I remember being annoyed that Jessi would often ask me if everything was okay when I was home. My response was always the same, “of course”, with a hint of frustration and confusion at her asking. But I see now she was asking that because every time I was home, I acted like I didn’t enjoy it. It seemed as though I wanted to be anywhere else but home, and I honestly didn’t see it. I saw myself as a family man, I wanted to have a bunch of kids and be the Dad and husband I always dreamed of being. When out in public, I treated my children with kindness and gentleness and had a lot more patience with them compared to when we were home. I truly thought I was that shiny polished version of myself who was doing everything right, and couldn’t understand why I was bearing bad fruit in my home. 

Honestly, Jessi felt like she was married to two different people, and my children had two different fathers. This realization hit me so hard, and it truly disturbed me at how blinded I was to it all. It wrecked me; I was heart broken over the way I treated those in my home whom I loved, but rarely showed that to them. 

Men, let’s just call it as it was, I was a hypocrite, and everyone in my home knew it except for me! My actions and my words didn’t match up at all. I was missing the mark and I truly didn’t know what to do about it.

I wanted to change but I truthfully didn’t know how to be different; it’s all I saw and knew. I didn’t even realize what I was doing, which is such a dangerous and harmful place to be, because it’s those who are closest and most important to us who end up paying for your mistakes. 

Your story may not be exactly the same as mine, but it’s still worth asking and reflecting over. Have you ever taken a deep look at yourself and honestly evaluated who you are? Specifically who you are at home and who you are outside of it. Are they the same two people, or are they completely different? Who gets the better version of you, the world or your family?

Have you been able to humble yourself and ask your spouse to give you an honest and potentially painful evaluation of who you are at home without getting defensive or angry? 

For a really long time, I believed the lie that it really wasn’t that big of a deal who I was at home. That it was good enough to simply provide financially for my home, and show up for my kids and wife when expected. The mistake I made in living this way was not accounting for the damage it did to my relationships with each person within my home. While I met the box of provision, I failed to show up for them emotionally and relationally too. I failed to be a man who has a positive impact on their hearts and on the legacy of our home and family. I failed to actually lead them sacrificially like a man should!

Our families need more from us men! 

While I can’t go back in time and change the mistakes I’ve made, I can work to repair what has been broken, because whether we’d like to admit it or not, damage is done when we fail to show up emotionally, relationally, spiritually and physically for our families. Thankfully I am not that man now, believing who I was at home didn’t really matter. 

It’s taken a lot of time and effort to heal the relationships that I’ve damaged, but they are slowly recovering, because remember men, hurts take time and effort to repair! Time isn’t what does the healing…

No. 

The healing comes from you showing up, putting in an intentional effort to right your wrongs, humbling yourself before those that you’ve hurt and genuinely repenting of your sins. You have to be consistent over a long period of time to earn back the trust you’ve lost. It might not be easy, but isn’t your family worth it?

For me, it was well worth the work, but remember only the Lord is able to move and change a heart. So earnestly seek him in prayer, asking him to change your heart to reflect Christ in your home. Assume a posture of humility before you take the seat of pride. The posture of humility is on your knees, submitting yourself before the Lord.

Pride convinces you humility is weakness, but it is in our weakness that we grow strong in Christ!

If you haven’t reflected on who you are or who you have been within your home lately, or haven’t humbly checked in with your spouse, I encourage you to do so. We all have blind spots in our walks, and who better to help us work through them than our own spouses. I encourage you too to ask the Lord the same thing, for he will convict you of what needs addressing in your life when you take a stance of humility before him. 

No one wants you to be a man of God as much as your wife, your children, and of course God himself. Don’t be too proud to go to them for honesty, encouragement, and support!

Men, I am on a mission to be a better husband and father moving forward, and because it guts me to see you making the same mistake I did for years, I’d like to invite you to join me in that mission. Let’s be the men God made us to be, starting with who we are in our homes, for no relationship will ever matter more or have a greater eternal impact than the ones within our four walls.

Brother, it’s time to step up and be the man that your family needs.

“Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.”

Proverbs 10:9