Late That September Night…

Verse: 1 Kings 19; the story of Elijah. Song: Faithful Still by KingsPorch

Written by Jessi Drost

Another closed door.

Another evening of feeling like we’re wasting our life.

We put the kids to bed while running on autopilot, and the need to seek fresh air overcame me. Something about the stars and the open night sky brings me such peace. It reminds me that I’m free from the cage of shame, anxiety, and depression. But that night, the darkness was too much.

I was totally and completely engulfed.

Loneliness, defeat, sadness, and even a touch of anger sat so heavy on my chest I could barely breathe.

I sat in the woods well into the dark of light, battling the army of evil that filled my head with lies. I cried and begged for God to take us away. Satan had convinced me we weren’t strong enough. We couldn’t do what God was asking of us.

We felt so along, so abandoned, and so defeated. Our family culture was falling apart, all that we had learned about having a strong marriage seemed pointless, and the judgement of others was absolutely crippling us. Our hearts were bitter, and it was pouring out of us; infecting everything we touched.

Why are we here, Lord?!

Quitting felt like the only option. Sure, staying in Colorado wasn’t God’s plan for us, but at least we had stability. At least we felt strong in our faith and in our own family unit. At least we had people in our corner, encouraging us in our walk with the Lord. We had become empty shells…

Why are we here, Lord? It all feels so pointless. My life feels pointless. It’s all too much God, take me away.

I can’t do this anymore.

My head hung low, darkness slowly consuming me, until the gentle whisper of the Lord washed a wave of peace over me.

“Child, you aren’t alone. I am here, all you need to do is choose my path. You have the power over satan and his armies. You can turn from the anxiety, you can turn from the depression, turn now from the darkness! You are strong because you have me living inside of you. Get up, and walk with me. Get up now! I am right here leading you; I have plans for you, don’t give up now. Get up and walk with me!”

But the darkness feels so heavy Lord. It won’t let go! The lies are getting louder, I can’t see through the tears. I can’t breathe! It’s all too much God! I can’t do this anymore…

“Get up and walk with me! Leave the darkness and GET UP!”

But God, they deserve better! I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. I keep failing. I can’t do it anymore. The pain is too much. Just take me away, please. Take me away before I fail them even more…

“You are weak, but I am strong. Lean on me child! Let me fill you and guide you.”

Oh Father, why? Why are we here? Where are you?? I’m desperate. Help me. Please help me.

“This battle is for your own good, you will see. My hand is on you, now get up!”

I looked out over the dark woods. Would they even miss me? Then I glanced over to the light pouring out of the house where my family rested. Dark versus light. Death versus life. Which would I choose?

“Leave the darkness behind, choose light! Choose life! Choose me, I will sustain you. Go to your husband, and walk together hand in hand. I have plans for you!”

I lifted my defeated face to the sky, and cried out to the Lord. “Fill me with your mighty strength! I can’t do this alone, Father, have your way with me. My life is yours.”

The gentle movement of the little babe inside of me reminded me that I have so much to live for. The sweet boys sleeping in the house are living miracles, and they need their Mommy. The man sitting alone on the couch inside, broken and defeated, is a gift from the Lord that needs a shoulder to cry on. That shoulder is to be mine, I can’t give up and leave him to walk our path alone.

My life is not pointless.

I slowly stood, and as I turned from the darkness of night, to walk to the light of the house, I felt hope re-enter my soul. As the grip of darkness released me, I remembered who I belonged to. I am a child of God. I am stronger than darkness. I can choose which path I take. Darkness or light, death or life, heaven or hell. We can choose!

Not today satan. Today is the day I learn that I am stronger than you. I am good. I am worthy. I am strong. I am enough. I am chosen. I am loved. I am a child of God!

And to think, the battle was just beginning…

"You Lord, keep my lamp burning; My God turns my darkness into light." Psalm 18:28