Surrender

Verses: Proverbs 16:9, Proverbs 3:5-6

Written by Wyatt Drost

Let’s rip the band aid right off, and take you to one of the lowest points of my life as a man.

We had been back in Michigan for a few months, and my life was at a stand still. We had moved back to my home town to start a business, because to me, that’s what made the most logical sense after spending the last 2.5 years as an associate doctor. It’s what I wanted. Freedom to do things the way I saw fit. I spent hours preparing to create my own practice. I started making the phone calls, drawing up floor plans, planning the layout, getting the furniture, forming ideas of the culture I was going to create, getting set all the details that I wanted.

Me. It was all. about. me.

The problem I would later discover, is that I was working hard making plans, but I was leaving God out of them.

Not because I consciously didn’t want his input, and not because I thought I knew better than God (although I’ve definitely done both of those things in my life), I really thought I was doing the right things. I thought I knew what needed to happen.

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

I’m one to lean on logic and reason when making decisions, and I felt it was pretty clear what we were to do. I was following the instructions of those that I had entrusted to lead and guide me. However, I had failed to invite God into my planning process first (Proverbs 16:9). I had failed to remember that it is his counsel that I should be seeking first (Psalm 73:24). Of course, I had to look and act like I was doing the right things, so I would say my prayers to check off the box, going through the motions. But truthfully, my mind was made up, and my stubbornness won out.

I was asking God to bless a plan I was forcing, instead of being blessed for the plan he wanted for me. I was asking God to bless the decision I had already made. And FYI, incase anyone wasn’t already aware of this, this was not a great idea. God is not to be fooled, he knows our true motives. Take it from someone who has made a painful habit of learning things the hard way, God’s plan for our lives will always be better than our own.

I failed to understand and live out Proverbs 3:5, that tells us we shouldn’t lean on our own understanding, but instead we should submit all of our ways to the Lord, so that he can make our paths straight. While I desired to live fully for God, I guess I didn’t realize that all of my ways meant well… all. Not 50%, not 90%, not even 99%. No, he wants 100% of our ways and our lives submitted to him.

We had made it a regular prayer to ask God to shut the doors he did not want us to walk through. Boy did he answer! God was shutting doors, just like we had prayed for, but I was trying to kick them down. I was working harder, pitching my business plans to banks trying to get a loan, scheduling meetings, trying to buy a house (Yes, I also thought that this would be a great time to buy a house! palm to forehead.), and trying to convince anyone who would listen that this was the right thing to do. I simply couldn’t give up control of my life. I wanted Jesus to butt out. He could have other areas of my life, but this one I wanted for me.

Needless to say, I was angry. I was confused, and so frustrated. I knew God had convicted us to move back here, so why wasn’t this working? My misery was overflowing to everyone around me. My pregnant wife, my kids, my dying dog, our extended family and friends, and even God, were on the receiving end of my anger and my sin.

With every dead end, I dug my heels in deeper and continued chasing my own desires. I chose to sit in my own misery, instead of turning to God. I turned to distractions to keep my hands and my brain elsewhere (a story I will share another time), hoping these things would give me a sense of purpose and bring me satisfaction. But nothing worked. I acted like I hated my life, and to some extent I believe I truly did.

However, the problem wan’t my life, my circumstances, and definitely wasn’t because of the people around me. It wasn’t that God wasn’t giving me what I wanted (after all, the Bible says we do not have because we do not ask, a verse I was using poorly in my favor), it wasn’t that the office wasn’t working out, or that I couldn’t reason my wife (whose spiritual gift is discernment) into convincing her we should by a house. The problem wasn’t in my circumstances, the real problem was I was trying to control my own life. I only wanted God to have parts of my life, not all of it. I’ve found that you either surrender all of your life to God, or you surrender none of it. You’re either all in, or you’re not in at all. You can’t ride the fence on this one.

In this season, I learned that the hard way. But God had other plans, all I had to do was surrender…

Story to be Continued.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6