The Wilted Woman

Verse: Psalm 34:18-19, 1 Corinthians 16:13 Song: The Heart of God by Zach Williams

Written by Jessi Drost

Some Memories never leave us…

Like the one where I’m 9 or 10, crying in my brother’s room, as he, only 12 or 13, asks in frustration, “why don’t you just keep your mouth shut?”

My response, “because bullies need to be stopped!”

Or in middle school, when I stood up for the girl everyone loved to pick on, just to be laughed at alongside of her.

Or a few years later, when I sat with the boy being made fun of at the lunch table for eating a tuna fish sandwich, stating “I like tuna fish too”, so he wouldn’t feel alone. (seriously though, why are kids so good at finding pointless ways to be mean?!)

Or in college, when a fellow classmate I tutored passed his test, and in the midst of our smiles he stated “you’re the first person to wear a cross around your neck, and still be nice to me…” He’s gay, and in his life experience of growing up in the deep south, Christians spent more time persecuting him instead of loving him. With his words fresh in my mind, I stood up for the strangers walking through the park in downtown Atlanta when the folks we had in town visiting had unkind words to say about “those gay people”.

Not to say I haven’t done things in my immature moments to hurt people, because trust me I have. I wish I could go back and change who I was at times and right the wrongs I’ve done, but I trust my repentance is enough. His grace is sufficient. And thankfully I have grown…

Oh but there’s one memory seared into my brain like no other… one that years later carries regrets from my inaction. It was that same visit, with those same people from before. We sat at a restaurant, and it was the moment I realized alongside another diner, just how broken I was. She sat across from her husband, enjoying a meal together. I noticed their smiles when I sat down, and the way they laughed together; it made me smile with them, to see their joy and friendship. But our tablemates, they didn’t notice the smiles and enjoyment on their faces. No, they noticed her large body size next to his fit one, and spoke hurtful words loud enough for her to hear. I watched as her smile faded, and she set her fork down. The laughter stopped, and she asked for a box. She wilted, and I watched.

Oh how I wish I could go back to that moment and tell her how beautiful she is! How bright her smile was shining that evening as she laughed with her husband! How the eyes of the man sitting across from her looked upon her with love and adoration, just like the eyes of our heavenly Father looks at each of us. I’d say to her, “ignore the bullies, stay strong and don’t wilt under their scrutiny. Their words mean nothing; they hold no power unless we give them power. Fight the lies, beautiful girl, and keep shining bright!”

But no words came out that night at that restaurant. How could I defend something that had already defeated me? How could I keep others from wilting, when truthfully, I had wilted a long time ago…

I wilted when the teachers in middle school stood at the end of the hall, making jokes about my weight.

I wilted as I stood crying in the dressing room, desperately trying to find a bathing suit that would fit my adolescent body for the birthday party I was finally invited to. 

I wilted as I counted calories and starved myself, convinced that I wasn’t worthy until my body size met the world’s beauty standards. 

I wilted when despite the thin body, blonde hair, and gained popularity, I still wasn’t good enough.

I wilted as my body was used for others’ selfishness. 

I wilted as the lies circulated, as the rumors spread, and as my voice was silenced.

I wilted as I decided they must be right. 

I wilted as the anxiety took root, and my scars were met with judgment by those I confided in.

I wilted as I put on that “strong, confident girl” persona, deciding hiding was the only way.

I wilted as I was told “women are to be seen, not heard.” That women with my kind of personality are too bossy, too loud, too much. 

I wilted while I helplessly watched my words be twisted, stories falsely replayed, and assumptions and accusations made. 

I wilted under the gaslighting and narcissism. 

I wilted as the false labels were placed on me; the blame placed on my shoulders. 

I wilted until taking my own life seemed like the only way. 

And then Jesus stepped in.

He looked at me and said “Oh child, ignore the bullies. Stay strong; don’t wilt under their scrutiny. Their words mean nothing; they hold no power unless you give them power. Fight the lies, beautiful girl, and keep shining bright for me!”

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;

Psalm 34:18-19

A Wilted Woman is not a Woman Living for God

But getting back up once wilted can be so hard. Why try to rise, when you know you will just get beat down again. Why fight the bullies, when I am unable to meet the standard of perfection I’ve been held to.

And then it happened, I learned a wilted woman is not a woman living for God. When did I stop standing up for what is true and right and good? When did I accept I am not worthy or valuable? When did I let the lies win? When did I forget my life has purpose, and that when I choose to live wilted, I’m not the best for those around me? 

A few weeks ago, I sat motionless as someone who should love my son spoke poorly of him right in front of his face. I watched as his little shoulders fell. He wilted, and just like that night in that restaurant, I did nothing. I was too afraid to defend my own child. His Mom was too wilted to say to him “Oh child, ignore the bullies. Stay strong; don’t wilt under their scrutiny. Their words mean nothing; they hold no power unless you give them power. Fight the lies, beautiful boy, and keep shining bright for Jesus!” 

How could I say those words to him, when I didn’t believe them myself… 

I’m sorry Easton, that it took watching your little shoulders fall yet again to decide to stand up and say enough is enough. I’m sorry that I’ve let the bullies defeat me. The hurt reflected in your little eyes looks all too familiar, but for you, I’m rising up again. Nothing spurs you on to see your own worth, like watching your child hurt because he hasn’t learned his. 

Jesus, I see you, and I hear you. I know you made me, I know you want good for me, and I know you did not make me to be this weak, wounded woman. You made me to shine your light, not hide wilted and ashamed. You want to heal me so you can use me. You saw my value and my goodness, even when others didn’t. 

You didn’t make me to give up, you made me to stand up and stand firm. 

So today, this Momma’s rising up. I’m rising up to fight for my kids, for my husband, for my friends, for the woman at that restaurant, and everyone else out there who has lived a life wilted. And yes, I’m rising up to fight for the girl I see in the mirror too. She may be wilted, but she’s a warrior for Christ, and she’s putting back on her armor. 

Heavenly Father, you have had me on quite the journey to healing. You have taken me to my lowest lows and my darkest places, revealing my need for your healing. You have fought for me, sheltered me, and loved me even when I was undeserving. Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me. Thank you for convicting me to be better. Thank you for giving me your strength on the days that I’ve had none. Thank you for the wise counsel and friendships you are using to guide me and encourage me. Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than my scars, and that you desire nothing more than to make them beautiful. Thank you Father for making me just the way I am. I am your creation, and I have value. I pray that you would work in the hearts of wilted women everywhere, and show them your compassion and your healing power. I pray that you would spur them on just like you have me. I pray that they would learn to filter out the lies, and lean on the love of those you place in their lives for encouragement and wisdom. I pray for your healing power to fill the hearts of all of those in need! You are so, so good God. Thank you for your never ending grace. 

Amen