Letters to Jesus – Where it all Began

Written by Jessi

Verse: Psalm 7:2-3 Song: Talking to Jesus by Brandon Lake

We all have those moments in life where we can look back and know something monumental was happening. We may not have seen it in the moment, or even fully understand it now as we look back, but we know with certainty that it changed the course of our whole entire life. Who knew that with a notebook, a pen, and a bible, our lives would be forever changed.

It was the first season of real desperation that we had ever felt in our young marriage.

The first of many to come.

We had a toddler, a newborn, and a struggle we never expected to face nor did we understand. I was 4 weeks postpartum, and my body just gave out. I was experiencing pain like I can’t even begin to explain, fatigue and exhaustion that made it hard to hold and care for my babies, and a desperation for healing that filled my mind and soul. We sought help numerous times, but no one could figure it out.

It didn’t make sense. I had lived a life that most would deem healthy, sometimes even to extremes. We (supposedly) did all the right things, so why oh why was this happening? How could I care for my family when most days it was too painful to even get out of bed? We exhausted all of our options, all but one. The only one who had the power to change it all.

Jesus.

To Live Fully Surrendered

It was a Saturday morning, and as always by the end of the week, my pain was at an all time high. Wyatt helped me get down to the couch, and before taking the boys outside, he set me up with my bible, my journal, and a pen. The bible I had been struggling to open.

I was mad at God. Bitter that this was happening to my body and to our family. I was a master at hiding behind a smile, so no one truly understood the pain and desperation in my heart. I gazed out the window as all that I thought I would be and do flashed through my mind. All the things I wouldn’t be able to do now with this body crippled by pain. My eyes landed on my bible and journal on the table next to me, and that pen. The pen I couldn’t use because my hands hurt too much to grip it.

A bitter laugh escaped me.

I felt useless.

As I wallowed in my bitterness, my eyes kept flicking to my bible, until I finally gave in and picked it up. For the first time in a long time, I prayed over it. With my hands that barely worked, I held that bible and asked the Lord what he had to tell me, and he sent me to Psalms.

As I poured over the words, I admitted how much I resonated with Kind David. Each psalm he wrote spoke to my heart like nothing had before. He laid it all out there, hiding nothing from God. It was like reading a letter to Jesus. His emotions, his pain, his frustrations, his struggles; it was David’s heart in written words. It felt like my heart on display too. Psalm after psalm, I saw a theme. As a psalm comes to a close, you see a shift. It goes from David’s broken and bitter heart, to God’s truth. As David poured out his heart to God, God brought him in closer, healing his heart. God worked to heal David’s heart, so it would beat for him and him alone. Is this what God was asking me to do?

"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
How long, oh Lord, until you restore me?"
Psalm 7:2-3 (NLT)

With each psalm I read, I was hit with the same conviction. “Pour out your heart to me child, draw near to me in your pain. Like David did, give it all to me; give me your whole heart! And as I heal your heart, your body will follow.”

All our Lives for Jesus

My eyes landed again on that pen, the one I hadn’t been able to use in months. I picked it up, and with a deep breath opened my journal to a fresh page. On the top of the page I wrote “Letter to Jesus”. I poured it all out to our Heavenly Father. The pain, the brokenness, the bitterness, the fears. The tears flowed, as did my words, until there was nothing left but God.

While the physical pain would remain for quite some time, the pain in my heart began to lift. An intimacy like I never knew possible was formed that day, one of total reliance and surrender. It was a moment that would change our lives forever, in ways we still don’t understand. To live all our lives for Jesus, our new family mission. And it all started with a Letter to Jesus.

Through these written prayers, my journey to true healing had begun. God wanted my heart so he could heal me fully, and he wants yours too.

Just start talking to Jesus. It changes everything.

"There's no wrong way to do it, ain't a bad place to start. 
It ain't got to sound pretty, just tell him what's on your heart. 
Cause it's not a religion, it's more like a friendship, 
so just talk to your Father, like you were a kid. 
Just start talking to Jesus. 
You can talk to Jesus, whenever you like. 
Just keep talking to Jesus, for the rest of your life."
-Brandon Lake, Talking to Jesus