The Labels That Define You
Verse: Philippians 1:6 Song: See a Victory by Elevation Worship
Written by Jessi Drost
Guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, it keeps me hidden. Keeps me in bondage to my sin and past mistakes. Guilt and shame for things I did years ago, things I did before I even knew God. Anxiety and fear over things I cannot control. I know the verses, I’ve prayed the prayers, but it’s still there. Does that make me a bad Christian? Some people say so…
Why can’t I just make it all go away?
The Bible tells us faith in Christ frees us from our sins, so why do mine still have such a chokehold on me? Is it because I allow them to? Is it because I’ve tried to bury and hide them instead of truly surrendering them to Jesus?
Like a pendulum swings, so I’ve lived my life. One extreme to the other. Rebelling or perfecting. Where is the middle ground? You open up about a sin or a struggle, and you’re immediately looked down upon by other believers. You aim to have it all together and be perfect, and you’re accused of living self righteously. What’s a person to do?
I look around and see so much hypocrisy, so much judgement. It’s everywhere, it hurts people. So why do we do it?
As I sit in the coffee shop, I can’t help but overhear the conversation beside me. Two old friends in their mid 50’s, filling each other in on all the latest town gossip. One never left, and one left with plans to hardly ever return. I chuckled, knowing which one I am.
As the conversation continues, I hear about person after person stuck in the label of choices they made as kids and young adults. Does it matter that they may have changed or matured? They even noted that some did indeed seem to turn their lives around (it’s been at least 30 years after all), but once labeled always labeled it would appear. This doesn’t sit right with me. I sure don’t want to be labeled for who I was long ago. But subconsciously, do we maybe do this to people? Do we even do this to ourselves?
The Girl I Was
The first time we crossed state borders to make a new home in Georgia, I realized I no longer would be known for who I was before. I didn’t have to be the eating disorder girl anymore. I didn’t have to be the girl so obsessed with being accepted, that she would starve herself, dye her hair blonde, and pretend to be someone she wasn’t. I didn’t have to be the girl so desperate to be loved that she would hurt herself and others with her actions. I didn’t have to hide behind the same mask; I could drop the act and just be me. But did I even know who I really was without these things?
In Georgia, I became the girl striving for perfection. I didn’t want to be the blonde ditz, so I’d become the smart brunette. I’d bury my past mistakes, and pretend they never happened. I plastered on that smile and that confident “I’m going to change the world” attitude. My obsession with perfecting my body transformed into an obsession with perfecting my works. It was all just an attempt to hide my past and prove my worth, and surprise, it didn’t work.
In Colorado the whole facade crumbled. The confident exterior gave way, and the shame that lived inside of me came pouring out. While the Lord wanted to break my chains and heal my wounds, the enemy wanted to keep me in bondage. He still does. The condemnation, the shame, the anxiety, the fear of what I’ve done. It brought me to my knees. It’s where the surrender of my life to Jesus truly began. It’s where I went from just believing in God, to living for God.
Looking back through these seasons of my life, I realize we most likely all have them. Who you were then is not who you are now, and who you are now is not who you will be forever. Or at least I hope it won’t be. You can’t run from your scars. But you can embrace them and let God use them for his glory and good.
Now as we settle back into being Michiganders, this rings truer than ever. While this isn’t my hometown, it is Wyatt’s. People look at him with eyes of curiosity; he’s different than he was as a teenager. Some even take their curiosity one step further and put words behind those glances. We weren’t truly walking with the Lord 12 years ago when Wyatt last lived here, or even 7 years ago when we got married and moved away from Michigan. In our time away, we have been transformed by Jesus. We have grown, matured, learned, and surrendered. Of course we would be different. And God’s still not done with us; He’s still not done with you either.
The Girl I’m Becoming
While this past year back in Michigan has been our most challenging, it’s also been our favorite. In this season we’ve learned who we are is not truly up to us. When you surrender all your life to Jesus, you become who He made you to be; you no longer chase after who you think you should be or who others want you to be. Learning to heal and move on from our pasts, growing in our unique personalities and God given gifts, surrendering our own plans to God’s plans; it’s the most free we’ve ever been.
Does the condemnation, shame, and fear still try to take hold? Of course. The enemy doesn’t give up that easily. But the anticipation and excitement to see all that God has done and will continue to do in us wins out. Be grateful for your past, but don’t let the labels from those seasons consume you. You aren’t your mistakes; you aren’t who anyone says you are but God.
I’m learning to look at the girl of my past with compassion instead of condemnation. To give myself the same grace I give to others, knowing who I am and what I do is not up to me anymore. Thank you Jesus for the seasons of my life that have gotten me to where I am today; my past is in the past, and my life is yours. I don’t need to be the girl walking in shame, instead I’m the girl living for Jesus. She’s the only girl I was ever meant to be.
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 (NLT)
